November 3, 1953 - May 16, 2013
It has been exactly one month and one day since my mother left us. I can honestly say it has been the saddest times of my life. I didn’t think I could possibly live a life with someone that I loved so much with all my heart and soul. I know I have to continue on, and I know I have to be strong, but do you know how hard it is to do that? Do you know how hard it is to not see someone you see at least once or twice a week and then never see them again? Do you know how hard it is to not talk to someone that you talk to everyday of your life (even 3 times a day)? Do you know how hard it is to want to call your mom up to see if she wants to do something, and realize that her number is no longer in service? Because if you do you would not be the one telling me that I have to continue and to be strong. You would be the one that listens to me and cries with me and feels my sadness. It is so unbelievable hard and I feel like I can’t be strong because I have nothing left to give. I feel like the world has beaten me and I will never be whole again. I can’t say I know how to live my life now, because I don’t. I can’t say I will ever be truly happy again, because I don’t think I ever will be. I may smile, I may laugh and I may seem happy, but deep down inside I am lost, sad and at times feel empty. All I want in my life is to have my mother back. I know it isn’t possible and I know it won’t happen, but I all I can do is want right now, whether it be a want that is impossible, it is what I want.
I am sorry for being selfish, but I think I am entitled to that. I think I have that right. Don’t I?
I just wanted to tell you what I feel from where I stand. I want you to know what I feel every single day for the last months and goodness knows for however many months to follow.
I promise my blog will not be as sad as this post, but I figured I should get back to this blog as it has been a really long time since I posted. Sadly, this is my returning post. Here is to hoping my days get better from here.
So sorry for your loss Claudia. Take as much time and cry as many tears as you need to. I cannot imagine.
ReplyDeleteThank you Lacey. It has been nothing but hard I feel. I think what makes it so hard is that we are all so close. My brothers and I always did things with her every weekend. And now it is like we dread the weekends because of it. It sucks. It really does. But thank you.
DeleteIt is not selfish at all. I know not the same, but my gram and I were very close, we would talk at least two a day. And even now, I will still dial her number to tell her exciting news that I got, or bad news I got.... Someone to talk but to get the announcement "This number is no longer in service" .
ReplyDeleteAny time you need someoen to talk to, to get things off your chest, message, call or text me.
Thank you treena. It is hard definitely :(
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